WINNIE
“It’s going to be really great, Mom,” Winnie Pough’s eldest child, Katherine, promises. “Life-changing, probably. The reviews are fantastic. Did I tell you that?”
It’s a windless autumn morning, slightly too cool for morning coffee on her daughter’s front porch, but Winnie doesn’t mind. She’s wrapped up in an old quilt her mother made long before she was born, an heirloom that she hopes that Katherine will pass on to her children one day.
“You did tell me that many, many times.” Winnie slides a hand out from underneath the warm quilt and leans forward, placing her hand on her daughter’s knee. “Katie, you don’t have to oversell it. I promised you I’d go, and I’m going. Right after I get done with our morning coffee.”
Her grown daughter nods then she begins to cry, tiny whimpers that turn into shoulder-shaking sobs. Winnie rises from the rocking chair she’d been sitting in and kneels in front of her daughter.
“Oh, Katie bear, you have to breathe. Come on, take some deep breaths for me. Almost forty-five years old and you still do that. Hold your breath, hoping that’ll stop the tears.”
“I’m trying to be strong for you.”
“For me? Who asked you to do that? Not me. Not your father. Cry, throw shit, take a drive, and scream at the top of your lungs until your throat is raw. That’s what I do.”
“What does that change?”
“Absolutely nothing, but our bodies aren’t meant to hold in all this pain.”
“Dad being in that place just seems wrong.”
Winnie sighs and sits back on her heels. She rubs the gold band on her ring finger. “It’s a good place for him. Weren’t you the one who told me that?”
“That’s because it wasn’t real until we were there,” Katherine admits. “I don’t think he understands what’s happening. Did you see the look on his face? It’s like when we leave Chester with Jack’s parents when we go out of town. Mom, do you think he’s waiting for us to come back, or has he already forgotten?”
Winnie shrugs. “I don’t know.”
“I talked to Jessica. We’re going to take turns visiting him this week. So, you don’t have to worry about him being alone. I’m going to stop by each morning after I take the kids to school before my first appointments. Jessica said she’ll have dinner with him, and Eric promised he’d bring his family this weekend to visit.”
Winnie smiles and takes her daughter’s hand in hers. It’s an awkward gesture for her because she’s never been overly touchy-feely, but the older she gets, the more emotional she’s become. “What wonderful children I have. I mean that, Katie. Your father and I are lucky to have such thoughtful and caring children and thank you for the retreat. I might have had reservations about going, but you’re right. I need some time to adjust before I figure out what comes next.”
Winnie watches the relief wash over her daughter’s face. She’s happy she can offer her a little nugget of solace, even if it’s an outright lie. She’s not at all enthusiastic about this retreat. Her life has changed so much already. The last thing she needs is more change. Winnie has no idea what direction her life is going without Henry walking beside her.
His quirks, her frustrating habits, and everything else that accumulated between them throughout their nearly forty-five years of marriage has boiled down to liquid memories that drip from Henry’s mind unable to be contained. Most days he has no idea who she is. How is she supposed to manage this new normal? How is she to stand by and watch as the man she loves as passionately as the day they met, unravel in front of her and fade away into his mind? Some days Winnie thinks she might lose her mind too.
“I have something for you,” Katherine tells her.
“You do?”
“Yeah, wait here a second.”
Winnie waits on the porch as she’s instructed and listens to the neighbor’s dog’s persistent barking. It’s not really a bark, it’s more of a yip, shrill and niggling. She imagines it’s one of those toy breeds, a cat-like dog with more bark than bite. The kids had begged Winnie and Henry for a dog when they were little. A few times Henry almost gave in, but Winnie stood her ground. Early on in the kids’ lives, Winnie had been stretched thin. They lived in a big farmhouse on thirty acres of farmland and had plenty of room for a dog, a couple of dogs, actually, but between the farm chores, the kids’ school activities, and her small photography business she didn’t need one more responsibility.
Katherine returns after a few minutes holding an old shoebox. “I didn’t have time to wrap it.”
Winnie takes the box from her and it in her lap. A curtain of long, silver hair comes loose from her loose braid when she leans over the box, but she ignores it. Instead, she opens the lid and pushes aside several sheets of crumpled white tissue paper uncovering a black and silver Honeywell Pentax Spotmatic F, three rolls of film, and two lenses.
“Where did you find this?”
“Jessica and I found it in the attic when we were helping you organize over the summer.”
“Wait, this is mine? You didn’t buy this?”
Katherine shakes her head. “I took it to a camera shop downtown and had it reconditioned and cleaned up, but they couldn’t get rid of that scratch. Otherwise, it’s like new.”
Winnie holds the camera in her hands and turns it over revealing the small scratch on its right side. She’d been photographing a family of black bears during a trip to Yellowstone when the kids were young. The mama bear had caught sight of Winnie and wasn’t too pleased. Once the bear started walking toward her, Winnie backed away too fast and forgot about the pile branches behind her. She fell and dropped the camera onto a small pile of rocks. Any other camera would’ve become dented or broken, but this camera was made from durable steel. Its sturdy composition combined with its lightweight streamlined body made it the perfect camera for nature photography.
“Your dad gave this camera as a wedding gift,” Winnie whispers.
“Do you like it? I know you have your phone to take photos with, but I thought it might be fun to use something more manual. The guy at the camera place said that one of those lenses is good for landscapes and the other is good for long-distance shooting.”
Winnie peers into the box again and pulls out the two lenses. She turns the 2.8 aperture/105m lenses over in her hands. She’d always a lens that would let her shoot from a distance, especially after the close call with the mama bear, but it had been too expensive. There was always something else she needed to spend her money on, new shoes for the kids, Christmas, and birthday presents.
“Katherine, this is so thoughtful.”
“Oh, wait, I have one more thing. I almost forgot.” Katherine runs back into the house, and when she returns, she’s carrying a red and gold paracord camera strap.
“I know it’s not a conventional camera strap, but apparently paracord is sturdy and good for hikers to have. You know, in case something happens.”
Winnie stands up and takes the camera strap from her daughter. “Nothing is going to happen but thank you. I love you so much, Katie. Did I tell you that you’re my favorite oldest daughter?”
“I want you to have a good time and find some peace.”
Winnie hugs Katherine, breathing in the scent of her freshly washed hair, but she doesn’t make any promises.
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